


The Teenager's Guide to Gambling for Fun and Profit

by terezis



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon, playing it fast and loose with the rules of certain spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 10:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13739211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terezis/pseuds/terezis
Summary: “Look, necromantic activity’s pretty unusual ‘round those parts, so these guys are either total newbies, or they’ve been good at keeping their heads down ‘til now. Shouldn’t be anything you can’t handle, though.”“That’s all you got?”“I didn’t exactly read the fine print on the contract, Taako. That’s all the boss man said when he called for backup. S’like I told you before, he tried to gamble for the bounty and lost."Kravitz finds himself in a bit of a pickle. Lup makes some calls. Taako strikes a deal.





	The Teenager's Guide to Gambling for Fun and Profit

Taako is not a gambling man.

Well, okay, that’s a lie. Taako regularly goes to bars with his sister to hustle the unsuspecting and the stylish out of their shoes. He’s made more than his fair share of wagers over the years, and he usually wins them. Taako knows when to double up, sure, but he also knows when it’s high time to pull out and call it a day.

Kravitz, on the other hand – Kravitz bets with the confidence and reckless abandon of a dead man walking, which, technically speaking, he is. Kravitz has walked into a casino with Taako on his arm and ten thousand gold in his pocket, and left the next day with Taako, full stop. Kravitz once lost a card game to a wanted criminal trapped under a mirror. Kravitz regularly forfeits vacation time to Lup when she bets she can collect more bounties than he can in a day. He’s been doing her paperwork for months.

So he should really know better by now, Taako thinks, but it’s fine. Taako doesn’t mind bailing his boy out when he gets himself into a sticky sitch. Kravitz’s job is all about those high stakes, the drama of it all, the eternal struggle of the immortal soul. Honestly, who hasn’t bet a couple of lives on a high card draw? Par for the course, baby. He just wishes Kravitz would learn to cheat already. Taako can count cards in his sleep; Kravitz is too honest for his own good.

Taako rolls up on the house just as the sun is setting. It’s the last in a row of dwellings all exactly alike. Seems kind of homely for a necromancer’s keep, a little suburban, but hey, what does he know about what’s in with the well-to-die? Maybe raising the dead is all the rage with housewives these days. The lights are off, but there’s a wagon in the driveway, so _somebody’s_ home.

“’kay, I’m here,” Taako says, reaching for the Stone of Farspeech hung ‘round his neck. “You sure this is the place? S’kinda rinky-dink. Like, holy shit, who still has their Candlenights lights up in _March_? Talk about tacky.”

“Necromancers, apparently,” Lup says. Her voice is thin over the stone; she sounds a bit harried. Taako hears the rapid click-clack of heels on granite and a distant shout through the line, and then the tell-tale _whoosh_ of flame. The yelling dies down.

“You want me to call you back in five?” Taako asks.

“Nah, s’cool. I’ve got it handled. I’d come grab your man myself, but Barry and I have a full schedule today.”

“Right. So, what’s Krav got himself into here? We talkin’ – we talkin’ like, your run-of-the-mill cultists, or some kinda monster factory, or what? Is Taako ‘bout to get the drop on some liches? Gimme the deets.”

“No liches, as far as I know,” Lup says over the low whistle of a scythe swing. “Damn! Missed ‘em. Okay, so, there’s at least three of them over there with ch’boy – two wizards and a warlock, I think?” There’s a drawn-out pause where Lup is very obviously casting a spell. She curses. “Fuck! Sorry, Bar! Two wizards and a warlock, doin’ some kid of ritual –“

“Yeah?”

Another flurry of movement and shouting on Lup’s end, this time closer. “Look, necromantic activity’s pretty unusual ‘round those parts, so these guys are either total newbies, or they’ve been good at keeping their heads down ‘til now – Barry, two on your right! Shouldn’t be anything you can’t handle, though.”

“That’s all you got?”

“I didn’t exactly read the fine print on the contract, Taako. That’s all the boss man said when he called for backup. S’like I told you before, he tried to gamble for the bounty and lost.”

Taako frowns. “Should I, uh. Should I be worried here?”

“What? No,” Lup says. “Grim probably got himself stuck in a warded circle or something, is all. Just be smart, okay? I know that’s not your usual forte.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Taako replies without any real heat. “I’m going in. Go eat a ghost or whatever it is you do.”

“Ugh, you make a magic-absorbing umbrella _one time_ , and suddenly everybody thinks you’re into –“

Taako swipes his thumb across the front of the stone, effectively ending the call, and tucks it back into his shirt as he glances down the street. It’s empty and relatively quiet, but that doesn’t mean anything. Silence is only a second level spell.

Despite Lup’s assurances, Taako’s starting to get a little antsy. Someone has his husband chained up in the basement; that shit don’t fly. Kravitz is immortal, and can handle himself besides – he wouldn’t have survived his job this long if he couldn’t. Still, that doesn’t mean Taako feels great about leaving him to the mercy of some death felons any longer than strictly necessary.

Better get this show on the road, then. Taako rolls his neck, cracks his knuckles, and casts Invisibility as he sidles up to the door. Detect Magic reveals no traps, so he tries the handle. It’s unlocked, which is suspicious, but he lets himself in.

Taako makes his way through the foyer, into the living room, past the kitchen. Each empty. All unsettlingly normal. There’s a basket of laundry on the sofa, waiting to be folded. Dirty dishes fill the sink. The hallway is lined with – are those – yes, that’s definitely a procession of school portraits; there’s a little halfling kid with a mess of curls that get longer and unrulier with each successive year.

Taako winces. He really, _really_ hopes he’s not walking into a hostage situation here – well, any more than it already is – but it wouldn’t be the first time a necromancer has tried to bargain for their soul with the life of an innocent. Kravitz hates when kids get roped into their parents’ nefarious schemes, and with good reason. It’s awful for everyone involved.

Taako’s stomach sinks the further down the hallway he goes. Where are these assholes? He’d sort of expected to find a guard by now, or at least a few traps to spring. Either these guys really do suck at their job, or they’re cocky enough to think that they don’t need the precaution. Taako grits his teeth. Stupidity breeds recklessness. Those aren’t the kind of people he wants to deal with right now; not with Kravitz on the line. Taako ain’t a fan of wild cards, besides himself.

The floor creaks where he steps. Taako stops short. When he pauses he can hear muffled conversation drifting up through a door on the right; he can’t make out what’s being said, exactly, but the voices sound heated. He leans into the noise, ears twitching, and then jumps as someone cries out.

No, not just anyone. _Kravitz_.

Taako’s not in the habit of rushing in, but he blinks through the door before he can even stop to think about it, wand drawn. There’s not going to be anything left of these fools to send to Stockade when he’s through with them. Taako pops back into the Prime Material Plane at the foot of the stairs and whirls towards the source of the noise, already charging up a spell.

He freezes.

“—damn it! How in the bloody hell do you keep drawin’ Take Fours?” Kravitz groans.

“Just lucky, I guess,” a high, breezy voice responds. There’s a chorus of snickers.

“Yeah, well, your luck’s got to run out someti—” Kravitz glances up from a hand of cards and stiffens as he catches sight of Taako. “I – er, ‘ello, love.” He coughs. “Wasn’t, uh, wasn’t expecting you. I – I thought Lup was sending Barry over?”

“They got held up,” Taako says slowly. He lowers his wand when it doesn’t look like their company is rallying to attack. They’re not doing much of anything, actually – mostly they’re just staring, which, Taako supposes he can’t blame them. His reputation does precede him, nowadays.

Besides, while Taako’s usually all for magicking his problems away, people might start to talk if he reduced this particular group of ne’er-do-wells to dust in their own basement.

“Kravitz, darling. Light of my life. Fire in my loins. Skeleton in my closet.”  Taako clasps his hands together over his mouth and closes his eyes. “ _Please_ explain to me why you’re playing Fantasy Uno with a bunch of shitty teens right now.”

Said teens - a human, a drow, and the little halfling kid from the pictures - glance at each other before looking back up at him with wide eyes. “You’re Taako,” the halfling says. “From TV.”

“The one and only,” Taako replies. “Krav?”

Kravitz is sat cross-legged on the floor, dressed in his favorite feathered mantle but not his skin, holding what appears to be half a deck of cards in his bony, bony hands. If he had flesh right now, Taako imagines he’d be red up to his ears.

“I gamble for low-level bounties sometimes, Taako,” he says carefully. “You know this.”

“Sure, yeah, I remember. Miller Labs, Maggie’s cheatin’ cards, the beginning of our frankly classic enemies-to-lovers meet cute. I know the deal. You tellin’ me these kids have bounties on their heads?”

“We’re not _kids_ ,” the human protests. “I just turned fifteen last month!”

“Gods,” the drow mumbles, “I’m friends with babies.”

“Fifty is basically _twelve_ in elf years, don’t even –“

“What’d they do,” Taako asks over the bickering, “try to summon the ghost of their dead cat?”

The arguing cuts off; there’s a pregnant pause in its wake. Kravitz scratches his cheek.

“Oh my gods, they did?” He turns to the half-circle of teenagers on the floor. “You _did_?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” the halfling kid shrugs, crossing their arms. Kravitz sighs.

“I came for the soul of their… feline friend, yes. Give the right circumstances, the Raven Queen doesn’t mind resurrection, but she cannot abide the undead,” he says. He throws the halfling a pointed look. Given that he’s still in skull-mode, it kind of just looks like a spooky twitch. Taako suppresses a snort.

“We were trying for Raise Dead, but we accidentally brought Whiskers back as a thrall instead,” the drow says, picking at her nails.

The human nods. “Lyssandra’s been like, _super_ sad since he died. We just wanted to make her feel better. We didn’t mean to break the laws of life and death.”

“Yeah, that’s our bad.”

“It was an honest mistake,” the human insists. “If we redid the ritual, we’d definitely get it right –”

“—but _he_ was going to take Whiskers back before we could even try,” the halfling finishes, jerking a thumb towards Kravitz. The man in question straightens a little, looking indignant.

Taako presses his lips together, considering. “Okay. Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Walk me through this one, babe.” He tucks his wand back into his robe and raises a brow at Kravitz. “You came here to collect a bounty on a cat.”

“Well, if you want to get technical –”

“Yes or no, Krav.”

Kravitz huffs. “Yes.”

“You bet its soul on a game of Fantasy Uno.”

“Yes.”

“You _lost_ said game of Fantasy Uno.”

“…yes.”

“I mean, technically we agreed to best two out of three –” the human starts, but Taako holds up a finger without looking away from his husband, silencing them.

“Lup called me ‘n said you needed help gettin’ out of trouble. Told me you were trapped in some necromancer’s den. What exactly did you wager here, babe?”

He mumbles something unintelligible under his breath. Taako wishes Kravitz was wearing his flesh suit; the look on his face right now would be priceless. The fact that he’s still got the accent going is almost too much on its own.

“Didn’t quite catch that,” Taako sing-songs.

This time, he picks out the words _bet, services,_ and _fair_ _compensation_ before Kravitz trails off again. Taako frowns. “What services?” he asks.

Kravitz toys with the cards in his hand and doesn’t respond.

“Uh, Krav?”

Nothing.

“—he has to do Cal’s chores while we redo the ritual!” the human bursts out, almost falling over in their excitement to say the words.

Taako blinks.

The other two – Lyssandra and Cal, he thinks – look smug. Kravitz is very pointedly not making eye contact with anyone in the room.

That’s what finally gets him. Taako bursts into uproarious laughter, causing everyone to flinch while he practically doubles over with the sheer force and intensity of his glee. “H-holy shit,” he wheezes. He laughs so hard he has to flop down onto the floor with the rest of them, leaning into Kravitz’s side for support. “Holy shit, Krav, I don’t – I don’t know how you get yourself into these situations.”

Kravitz shoves at him a little, but doesn’t actually shrug Taako off. Taako giggles helplessly into his shoulder.

It takes him a minute to recover, because god damn, the image of his husband doing the dishes in full Grim Reaper regalia and yellow rubber gloves is just _too fucking good._

“You’re the worst,” Kravitz grouses. “I’m divorcing you. Give me your ring, we’re through.”

Taako snickers and collects himself enough to look up again. He wipes the tears from his eyes and props his chin up on Kravitz’s shoulder. It’s a good enough vantage point that he can finally steal a glimpse at the rest of the room at large.

It’s an ordinary, unfinished basement. Taako spies a rolled-up rug and a white chalk circle on the far end of the room, but there’s no chains on the walls, no instruments of torture. Not an errant candle in sight. A foosball table is shoved up against the wall and piled high with empty bottles; the couch is so littered with textbooks and open notepads that it’s no wonder everyone has to sit on the floor. It disappears quickly, but Taako thinks he spots an orange tail peeking out from behind a pile of backpacks.

“Barry was supposed to come and collect for me,” Kravitz sighs, wrapping an arm around Taako’s waist, “Since the terms of the bet state that I can’t do the job personally. He owes me. I was going to swear ‘im to secrecy.”

“Wow, cheater,” Lyssandra says.

“Didn’t want anybody to know you got beat by a buncha high schoolers, huh?” Taako grins.

“I may have… exaggerated the situation a bit when I called Lup. So she wouldn’t get suspicious.”

“Well, you definitely passed that bluff check, homie. She was so worried she sent in the big guns.” He winks. “That’s me. I’m the big guns.”

“It’s nice to know she cares,” Kravitz says dryly. “Though I’m not sure how I’m supposed to resolve the situation now.” He sighs again. “This was meant to be an in-and-out job.”

As they speak, the source of all Kravitz’s current woe slinks out from behind the couch. For an undead being animated by dark magic, Whiskers looks pretty good. Normal, even. A little bloated. The only indication that he was recently deceased is the thrum of the spell radiating from his form. He trots over to Lyssandra and rubs up against her legs. She smiles.

“He’s only been dead a week,” Cal explains. “So he’s in good shape, even though the spell couldn’t bring him back all the way.”

“Isn’t Animate Undead fourth level? Where’d you learn magic like that?” Taako asks. “You’re a baby.”

“I’m fourteen. And I taught myself. They had a book at the library, it’s only five minutes from my house.”

“Animate Undead only affects humanoids, though.” Kravitz says. “It shouldn’t have worked. That’s why I was called in.”

Cal and Lyssandra exchange a look. “We modified it with Dominate Beast,” Lyssandra says. “It’s a druid’s spell. I’m multi-classing.”

Taako whistles. “Gotta say, that’s some decent spellwork.” When Kravitz gives him a look, he shrugs, eyeing the pile of open books behind the kids. “What? It is.” Kind of reminds him of Angus, actually, or maybe even the lab on the Starblaster. When Lup and Barry inevitably got caught up in their research, Taako would have to drag his sister out by her ears just to get her help with dinner. It drove him nuts.

“Actually, I may have a solution here,” he says. “Taako’s got this one on lock, check it. Animate Undead only lasts what, twelve hours? A day?”

Nodding.

“Okay, cool. Cool, cool. Here’s what I’m thinking. Krav, you let my girl Liz here –“

“Lyssandra,” she says.

“You let Lauren have one last day with her kitty-cat, and if you three,” he wags a finger at the trio of teenagers, “—if you three agree to quit it with Necromancy Lite™, there may be some scholarships for Taako’s Amazing School of Magic coming your way.”

“What?” the human yelps.

Kravitz rubs a phalange over his jawbone as he thinks it over. It looks kind of dumb, and Taako has to bite his lip to keep from smiling like a besotted fool. “I’m amenable to that.”

“You’re serious?”

“We’re not going to hell jail?”

“You – you want us to come to your _school_?” Lyssandra asks, eyes wide.

“Well, yeah. Ch’boy knows potential when he sees it. Can’t let any other, shittier schools snatch you up and let it all go to waste.”

Cal swallows. “I - yes. That, yes, I accept,” they say immediately.

“I have to ask my mom,” the human says, looking towards their friends. “But if you guys are cool with it…”

Lyssandra stares down at her cat, who’s all but climbed into her lap, purring. His fur seems kind of mottled, a little singed, maybe, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She strokes it absently. Her nails are perfectly manicured, Taako notices. Just completely covered in rhinestones. A girl after his own heart.

“Yeah, okay,” she says eventually. The others cheer. Kravitz goes to shake on it, and Taako stands, brushing off his pants. Looks like he wore his battlin’ boots for nothing. They’re getting less and less action these days, not that he minds. His dry-cleaning bill has gone way down now that he’s not constantly covered in bloodstains. He’ll take wheelin’ and dealin’ over duking it out any day.

“– for real, though, no more necromancy. I don’t want to have to come a-callin’ for the three of you next,” Kravitz is saying when Taako looks up again. The kids are nodding rapidly, bouncing on their heels as they follow him up the stairs. Taako snorts.

In the foyer, names are taken, frequencies are exchanged, and Taako promises several calls to several different parents with the details of their childrens’ acceptances. Whiskers weaves in-between their legs, meowing. By the time they exit the house, it’s dark.

“So,” Taako starts, draping an arm over Kravitz’s shoulder. Kravitz knits skin back to muscle back to bone, and he purses his lips at Taako, obviously expecting the worst.

“So,” he says in his unaccented voice, “How much shit are you going to give me for losing at cards tonight?” He summons his scythe to open up a rift to their living room.

“You mean, how much shit am I going to give you for getting your ass kicked at Fantasy Uno by a couple of _shitty teens_?”

“It sounds so much worse when you say it like that,” Kravitz mutters.

“None,” Taako says as he steps through the portal.

Kravitz narrows his eyes, watching with knit brows as Taako flips on the lights and removes his hat and hangs up his cloak. “None?”

Taako throws an award-winning smile over his shoulder and turns. “None,” he says. He saunters over to press a kiss to his husband’s lips. “But _you_ have to explain to Ren why I’m handing out free rides to three randos in the middle of the semester. _Talk_ about paperwork.”

“That’s almost worse,” Kravitz says, tugging them down to the sofa. “Why don’t you just order my second gravestone while you’re at it?”

“You big baby,” Taako snickers. He crawls into Kravitz’s lap and hums. “Tomorrow I’m teaching you sleight of hand.”

Kravitz rolls his eyes, but Taako can feel his grin as he presses his face into Taako’s hair, holding him close. Ridiculous sap. Lovestruck fool.

Taako is so glad he’s safe.

“I look forward to it.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on tumblr w/ the prompt "i don't know how you get yourself into these situations." kravitz isn't really sure either.
> 
> if ya liked, let me know!! i eat comments for power.
> 
> @[terezis](http://terezis.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr  
> @[kravitaz](http://twitter.com/kravitaz/) on Twitter

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Teenager's Guide to Gambling for Fun and Profit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17227619) by [GoLBPodfics (digiella)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/digiella/pseuds/GoLBPodfics)




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